I want to start this one off with a short memory.
I was talking to one of my friends. It was very casual, but she accidentally moved too much into my personal space. (Yes, there is personal space among friends too).
For me, I subconsciously tilted my head back a little bit.
Just a little bit
…but both of us knew what happened.
She also drew back a bit to give me back my space, but we kept on talking. It was like nothing ever happened.
The reason that I used this example was because of this - depending on how open we are with someone, that is how close we will let them get close to us.
When someone is talking to me, if i’m not willing to get closer or open up to someone, that person can feel it.
Conversations are the same.
All conversations are supposed to somehow bring you closer together. If you are resisting it, you’ll react like me. I moved back and was protecting my space, and we didn’t get closer.
But is protecting our personal space really that bad?
Well… protection is good. TOO much protection is bad.
Do you want to bring a pepper spray or wear a full bulletproof suit to your dinner?
We want to approach conversations the same way, which brings me to the commonly overlooked reason for dull conversations -
Too much distance creates a lack of connection.
If people move towards you and you keep moving backwards, they’ll eventually stop trying to get closer to you.
For now, I want to talk about the characteristics of lack of connection.
Lack of Connection Results from Your Fears of Showing Yourself
Maybe you are already afraid of showing your real self to other people.
When you want to talk but you can’t talk
or you’re talking but you’re not connecting because you have your guard up,
It creates emotional distance between you and the other person.
When you are scared to show yourself to other people, you usually don’t show your passions, enthusiasm, or pretty much anything.
If you can be freely be yourself, you have the freedom to let your emotions flow.
Smile, frown, cry.
It makes you look like a real person.
However, if you are so focused on what you can and can’t share, it makes conversations very difficult.
You can bet that there will be tons of awkward moments and situations where you have no idea what to say.
People want to see what you are really like. If you see on TV stars like Gordon Ramsay or Simon Cowell, people like them, because they are authentically unapologetically themselves.
People are attracted to genuine people.
You can almost say that the fear of judgement from people is the single most hindering factor from social connection.
Lack of connections is like a wall that you put up to guard yourself.
It doesn’t matter how long you talked to some or how many topics that you talked about, if you are afraid to show yourself, the conversation will be awkward and limited.
Lack of Connection Keeps the Conversation Shallow
The nature of a conversation is to get more connections and deeper.
If you are not connecting with the other person, you are keeping the conversation in the shallow end, which makes things “boring”. You can only talk about how the weather is really nice today for so long.
I call the shallow conversations - the appetizer conversations.
You go into a steakhouse, and for starters, they serve you some bread.
Nothing wrong with bread. Bread is good.
You just can’t fill up yourself on bread though.
Because you are here for the MEAT.
The main course.
That’s the good stuff.
The feeling that you are a boring person comes from this factor. When you are not connecting with anyone but you are talking with them, you are pretty much going around and feeding people appetizers.
If you feel like you are a boring person, this might be the reason.
It’s not that YOU are boring, but the conversation just isn’t going anywhere.
Lack of Connection Means That There is No Emotional Depth
I guess if you’re reading this, you probably can understand how frustrating it is to not be able to be emotionally available to the people around you.
I’m not talking about you listening to the emotional problems of others.
I’m talking about you sharing about your emotional problems.
As you talk more, you should get to the point where you can share your memories and emotions together. Like your dreams, childhood memories, top 3 foods that you’ll never eat.
These are personal questions. Being personal gives that vulnerability for emotional depth.
This is what a relationship is supposed to be like. It’s about sharing your life together and going though tough and exciting times together. Not just you one-sidedly listening to everyone else’s stories.
Be open with your life & yourself.
But do this is small steps.
Open TOO fast and you’ll just end up hurting yourself again.
No connection, mean no emotional connections. In other words, you are also emotionally isolating yourself from everyone making you feel even more alone.
We need emotional support as people. As much as we don’t want to be a burden to other people, sharing that burden is allowing them to be part of your life. You don’t have to be perfect at everything. No one has everything figured out.
We fall in life. That is the part of life that we need more education on.
We need to learn to get back up.
First Step -
What is preventing you from connecting with others relationally? Let me know below!
- Augustus
Losing Interests, Losing Relationships [Free PDF]
- Understanding the 5 CAUSES for an emotional wall between you and everyone else.