We’re in a culture that glorifies perfectionism.
Perfection in our workplace.
Perfection in our physical beauty.
Perfection in being a good friend.
Perfection in our promises.
It feels like so much of our lives are placed in this category of performance. If something isn’t good, it has to be improved and it has to become, not great, but perfect. That is A LOT of pressure.
I’m not saying all perfectionism is bad because working hard in of itself isn’t bad. Hard work is how you improve and progress in life. I love hard work, but it has to be done with the right intent.
If you love the pressure and strive under it, great! More power to you. But...if you feel the pressure to be perfect and you’re suffering on the inside, that's a problem.
Perfectionism isolates.
You look fine on the outside because even your outside has to be perfect. You can’t be a burden on your outside to other people, but what will happen over time is that you will slowly die on the inside.
Dying to yourself.
Dying to your own interests.
Dying to your emotions.
No, it’s not noble.
It’s unhealthy.
Wanting to perform at a high level is great but not at the cost of long-term damage. We need to be aware of our emotional health.
Here are ways that perfectionism is making life more painful. -
#1 - When the acceptable expectation is perfection, you will only be disappointed.
Think back to the time in high school where you had to take tests. Think about how hard was it to get a perfect score every single time. Pretty hard right? There was sometimes little dumb mistakes or not enough time or a badly phrased question. [Personally, I lost a point because I forgot to put my name. Great life lesson.]
If you were pressured to get a perfect score every single time as if your life depended on it, how would you feel? If your self-worth was founded on nothing short of a perfect score, your self-esteem would suffer.
The amount of stress and anxiety escalates every time you take that test because not a perfect score is a failure.
Other people might think “That is such a good thing to have! You are doing so well & so smart!” but really, it’s at a very high cost.
Having your emotions being stressed out and exhausted will burn you out and numb you from your emotions. Moreover, you will be disappointed most of the time, because no one achieves constant perfection.
#2 - Perfectionism doesn’t make you more acceptable.
Most of the time, perfectionism isn’t actually meant for ourselves. It’s meant for other people to see us in a different light. A more pleasant light. If you don’t like ourselves, this perfectionism is a way for us to redeem our worth to other people or at least it seems that way.
This myth has to be debunked.
Perfectionism doesn’t equal acceptability.
When you are using your performance to earn your acceptability then your relationships will be based on it. If your boss only likes you because you perform well, then it means you can't really make any major mistakes.
This is not the type of acceptance you want. It is an illusion of acceptance.
A conditional acceptance.
You want the acceptance to be for you as a person independent of your performance. Perfectionism doesn’t help that cause. Perfectionism only creates a mask for you to wear until it doesn’t work anymore.
#3 - There is no perfection, so you will never achieve it.
In your career, it’s easy to find a standard for you to earn your way to a flawless performance. However, in life, there are ever-changing standards. Criteria changes all the time. People’s needs and desires changes. Standards change.
Meaning, to achieve “perfectionism”, you will have to change yourself constantly to fit the mold others want you to be in. If you don’t fit it, you are considered imperfect and with it, devastation.
If you were in a group where everyone had different standards, what will you do then?
Don’t make it your aim to be perfect, because perfection made in the eyes of other people changes like the weather. Don’t try to achieve it. Just be yourself.
#4 - Perfectionism is often an illusion for control.
It’s not uncommon to have perfectionism on the outside as a coverup for the lack inside. Some of the people with past issues use their performance to give them the illusion that they have control over their life.
This is the belief -
If they have control over their situation, they will never be powerless again to the harms of other people.
If they were never vulnerable, then they will never get hurt again.
They must control to protect themselves.
So... if a situation doesn’t go their way, they break down completely. The desperation to run away from their past pain drives them. They want control over their lives at all cost.
But this is just an illusion.
Control doesn’t make you stronger. In fact, we have less control over our lives then we think.
If the airplane that I was on crashes do I have control over that? No.
If I got fired because a company was downsizing, is it my fault? No.
We have less control over our lives than we think. We LIKE to think we have control over these situations, but we really don’t.
This attitude is really a coverup for an issue that has to be worked through.
Perfectionism really isn’t you enjoying a normal life of accomplishments. It’s you spending a life trying to run away from pain.
I’m willing to say that you might have success from perfectionism, but you won’t have freedom.
First Step -
Write down top 3 things that you have trouble letting go control of.
- Augustus
Losing Interests, Losing Relationships [Free PDF]
- Understanding the 5 CAUSES for an emotional wall between you and everyone else.