People say you can’t judge a book by its cover,
but do you really think that’s true? (if we even read anymore)
Realistically, no one is going to sit down and thoroughly evaluate every single book they come across. Why? Because there is just no time.
You scan the cover, read the title, and glance at the table of content.
Probably 2 minutes tops.
Not to mention people.
I often hear a lot of people saying things like
“All people care about is looks.”
“All they care about is hanging out with the popular people.”
“People are all so shallow.”
“I hate how people are so superficial and corrupt.”
“I don’t do those things how come I’m not treated any better?”
There are superficial people out there, but not everyone is like that.
I’m not trying to be a jerk here, but my question to you is -
Do you go and try to deeply understand every single person you come in contact with?
I know I don’t. Not because I don’t like people, but because I only have 24 hours just like everyone else. I’ll probably die of exhaustion before anything.
As a result, what do people do? They scan the outside first.
Your appearance matters.
How you say or do things matters.
Did I say you have to look super attractive or like a celebrity?
No, but your appearance does matter.
Are people being superficial when they look at the outside first?
No, because it’s the only thing they can look at when they first see you.
There are other things they pick up on other than attractiveness.
They look at...
if this person cares about his/her hygiene at all.
if this person is courteous.
if this person has manners.
if this person is emotionally aware.
if this person has basic social skills.
People are only superficial if they only care about the superficial qualities you have, but people are also looking for qualities of a person that they would like to be friends with.
But here the main thing that we’re trying to do is how to make you more approachable so that people don’t write you off before you even have a chance introduce yourself.
You might have great qualities inside. However, if the first thing they see is a bad quality, that might be the only thing they are aware of. So we’re going to do our best to understand what are some of the things that we’re doing but not aware of that is repelling other people.
“Well, you know people should just accept me for who I am! I shouldn’t have to change for anyone. If they don’t like me, they can leave.”
There is some merit to that. That if that refers to your identity & self-expression, I understand, but that’s for another time. We’re talking about basic qualities here.
If you are approaching a stranger and that person didn’t care to brush his teeth for two weeks, are you going to talk to him again?
If you saw a girl with bed hair, shirt on backward, slouched with sweatpants, will you be delighted to go talk to her?
This is not a social contest to be the best-looking person in the room. This is about showing that you are taking care of yourself. You have your act together as a person, and you are a friendly person to be friends with.
That’s why people say first impressions are important. This might also be the only impression they have of you.
If you are shy and want others to talk to you, you have to first make the impression that you are open to talking. People will not talk to someone if it feels like they don’t want to be talked to.
Examples - Busy doing work, angry about life, unresponsive, look like you’re trying to hide something, etc
So... there are actions, general principles that you can adopt to make yourself easier to approach. These are not transformations. You’re not faking your identity to try to get someone to approach you. You are removing the negative cues that you are sending off, so people feel more comfortable around you.
Even if you do these things, it doesn’t guarantee people will come and talk to you, but it makes your general impression more positive to be around.
Now, let’s get into the 5 ways that you can make yourself more approachable
1) No Emotions Equal Unapproachable.
Whenever you are not really showing any emotions, it can come off as you being very stoic. If people can’t see how you’re feeling, they might be more hesitant to approach you.
Why? Because no one likes things that are uncertain.
...Is this person confused?
Angry?
Bitter?
Plotting something evil?
…I CAN’T TELL!
You want to make it as easy as possible for someone to know how you’re feeling, so they can know what to expect when they approach you. If they have to think about it, it’s probably too late.
A common term for this stern face is “bitch face” (pardon the language, I didn’t make the term.). I used to have one too. It naturally scares people off.
2) Be Presentable.
When I say presentable, it means your appearance should be taken care of.
Your hair should be neat, face washed, mouth brushed, cloth neat & washed, etc. You have to outwardly look like you care about yourself. Don’t disrespect your outer self by not having anything taken care of.
We already talked about the “shouldn’t other people just accept me for who I am?”. You might be amazing inside, but if other people are more focused on avoiding your stench from not washing for a week, it will be a distraction for them. They will be much more likely to just not talk to you instead.
So please don’t look like you just woke up no matter how depressed you might feel. You don’t have to amazing; you just have to be presentable.
3) Smile Often.
Why smile? Not exactly a secret, but people like happy people.
If you are happy, they can see that you’re enjoying life and want to be apart of it. However, shouldn’t people want to be apart of your grieving life too? Of course, but these random people they don’t know you.
For them to want to care for you when you are feeling down, you need a relationship with them first. They need to know who you are and be invested in you. Burdens are something people share with each other AFTER they got to know one another. Right now you’re still in the beginning stages of the relationship.
Don’t force the smile if it doesn’t feel natural. Practice the smile by yourself in the mirror.
4) Develop An Open Body Language.
Body language is very important. You communicate so much through it before you even say anything.
People mirror your emotions so be relaxed. If you are tensed up most of the time, people will be wondering what is wrong. If you are relaxed, it will be easier for other people to feel relaxed. If your movement is very jerky & quick, it makes people feel more nervous. Move slower and more natural.
Don’t do anything to hide your face with your hands or cloth or anything.
Don't wear a hoodie.
Because why? People don’t like uncertainty.
When you try to hide something or look like you are trying to hide something, that’s what people see. Potential suspicion.
Also, drop the headphones. It usually looks like the person doesn’t want to be bothered.
5) Pick A Moderately Open Space or Location.
This sounds obvious, but people can’t approach you if they can’t see you right?
Don’t go for the location with the most attention, but go for the spot at has moderate exposure. Don’t just go sit in the corner of a room or find spots that are hard to access.
The key is you want to make yourself someone that is easy to talk to. Remove all the “barriers” that people have to go through to talk to you.
I love hearing creative tips! If you think there are some better tips, love to hear it!
First Step -
Please share this with someone that you feel like needs this advice.
- Augustus
Losing Interests, Losing Relationships [Free PDF]
- Understanding the 5 CAUSES for an emotional wall between you and everyone else.